I have been interested in spirituality (I didn’t know it was called that when I was little) from childhood. I used to sneak into my parent’s room to read the ‘secret’ witchcraft magazines my Mum had. The freaky pictures on the front cover used to scare me but fascinate me at the same time. They often involved nudity, so there was something a bit naughty as well. The mysterious shapes and words in those magazines set me on a life of seeking something more. I will never regret those daring forays into my parent
Spirituality is an elusive thing!
What I do regret is that I have tried various ‘things’ in my life in an attempt to elevate my spiritual ‘powers’ but nothing has ever seemed to work. Well, certainly not from my (then) very limited, blocked and low vibe existence. The first attempt was doing Seances – I was younger than ten and had no idea what I was doing. That didn’t work but it freaked me out!
I tried meditation. That didn’t work. I tried reiki. That didn’t work. In fact, I came away from that experience feeling worse than ever because my “trauma” made the healer cry uncontrollably for the entire session!
I tried getting guidance from ‘psychics’ and ‘healers’. Not realising that some of them are absolute frauds! Needless to say, that didn’t work. I even went to one Quack that told me I had died in a previous life on the rack so I needed to have my shoulders spun around my body for an hour and a half to release that trauma (it may be true but who knows – it didn’t help). All that left me with was a life time of gammy shoulders that click all the time from a repetitive strain injury. Go figure.
More Reading, More Confusion and More Distractions!
I started reading everything I could get my hands on that related to spirituality.
There has to be more to life! In an attempt to try and understand how to get where other more exalted and clearly luckier beings than me had got to. I read about The Celestine Prophecy (yes, it was that long ago), Post Death Experiences (PDE’s), Euthanasia, Past Lives, After Life, Paganism, Reincarnation (a big one), Regression Therapy, everything Paranormal or Esoteric, Satanism (fascinated me for years), Demonology, Entities, Witchcraft. Even the motivation of Serial Killers. You get the point. I studied lots. Fixated would be an understatement. I knew a lot but it never really exposed any ‘truths’.
All that lead to was a decade of taking a LOT of A and B class drugs, watching lots of mind-altering and disturbing movies (the worse the better), hanging out with criminals and dimming down because that’s what you are supposed to do. Right?
Emotional and spiritual growth fully retarded, I worked. I still read a bit but I was more interested in my boyfriend, taking drugs, dramas and partying than anything else. Fiction became the read of choice. All distractions. Simply because I wasn’t “getting it”.
During that time, the internet took off. I became a sole parent to my daughter. Drug phase over. Raise daughter, work, struggle. Raise daughter, work, start full time Uni, struggle. Raise school age daughter, work, continue Uni, struggle. Raise daughter, complete Uni, work, struggle. Meet my lovely partner of 14 years and his daughter, continue to raise children, buy house, work, struggle. As you have probably guessed, I like to be repetitive. Again, you get the point. No time for internalising.
In the years that I had opted out, the internet took off and there was such a vast amount of information it boggled the brain. Worse! Heaps of people had learned the knack of tuning in and had created courses to help people like me! So much information. Down the rabbit hole again!
My Search For Meaning and Analysis Paralysis!
Now, with grown daughters, I find myself in a position where I can dedicate more time to developing my spiritual side with
Mantra’s, Meditation, Affirmations, contemplation, Subliminal re-programming, Prayer, Channelling, Higher consciousness, Dhammapada, Faith healing, Fasting, Chanting, Awakening, Inner peace, Karma, Buddhism, Metaphysics, Law of Attraction, Miracles, New age, Paganism, Qigong, rituals, Shamanism, Shinto, Transcendentalism, Yin Yang, Spiritual healing, Lucid dreaming, Mirror work, Angel healing, Crystal healing, Conversations with God, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Then, don’t get me started on my favourite authors that all have a different version of the truth – their truth. All awesome, interesting, motivational stuff.
I certainly don’t have the time to devote every second of the day to a spiritual practice. Oh no! More spiritual rabbit hole. But, this time I am ducking for cover and running to bury my head in the sand. Still reading but getting more and more bogged down in analysis paralysis.
“Spirituality” or whatever that means to you is elusive. Or is it?
Then, a breath of fresh air. I met a wonderful healer by the name of Judy Seiler who also lives in New Zealand but heals Internationally. Judy has been working with me for about three years and I have to say she (and her connection to Spirit) has been my saving grace. She has put me back together to the point where I am now focused enough to explore my own path as well in a more structured way.
So, the next journey begins out of sheer bloody frustration and because I feel more committed than ever to develop a consistent spiritual routine to expand as the spiritual being I am, having this human experience.
For me, I have come to realise that spirituality is a journey. Not a destination.